Today is this lovely girls birthday!!! YAYYYYY!!! Happy Birthday girly. I love you so so very much. This girl and I have been through more than most friends. Thick and Thin. Tough and Easy. Fun and Hardships. We met when we were younger and have been friends ever since. This girl means the world to me. I remember she wasn't living close by when I was diagnosed with diabetes. When she found out, she sent me a letter and expressed her worry and love towards the situation. She was the only friend who had done that when finding out about about my new disease. It meant more to me than she will ever know. One experience I will never forget.. I was at a ward camp out and Soleil came to it. I hadn't seen her in what seemed like forever.. maybe a year? Not sure exactly. But I didn't know that she was coming. It was the best surprise I could EVER ask for. She yelled my name from across the camp and when I turned and saw her.... we ran for our lives to each other. I'm not exaggerating when I say that we screamed for about 5 minutes straight. My best friend was finally back in my life and I couldn't have been more happy! That week we had a blast. We made up a fantastically ridiculous dance to the song "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" from the movie Mulan. We performed it for our parents and other friends. Best times during that week were when we would float the river. Pretty sure that we almost died a couple of times from the rapids.... even though the rapids were tiny little waves. (come on, what do you expect from 12 year old girls?) This girl and I honestly had the best moment. The memories I have of my childhood always have her involved in some way. She was always there for me. Even during High School when we were in different groups and hung out with different friends, I ALWAYS knew she was there for me and I was ALWAYS there for her. I knew that even if we hadn't talked in months, if I needed her, she was there in a split second and that she was there to help out if needed. She was my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my therapist, my best friend, and my sister. The memories we shared... I could reminisce on them forever. Ward camp-outs, girls camp, diabetes camp, sleepovers, McDonalds run at 3am cause we couldn't sleep, random dance parties, movie nights, Moulin Rouge sing a longs, the memories are endless. I love you Africa Soleil Cook. With all of my heart. I hope that today you Birthday brings you more happiness than you hope for, You deserve the world.

Even the very best friend isn't perfect. Every friendship has it's share of ups and downs, disappointments and discouragements. But the true test of friendship is whether it endures the hard times as well as the happy times. When you are truly best friends - when you have a friendship worth preserving - you learn how to voice your feelings with each other. You discuss how and when you've been hurt. You even cry together. Then you forgive, seal your friendship with a hug, and continue on good terms with each other. That's how best friends are maintained over the years. Each little offense is dealt with and forgiven (and forgotten). The focus remains on the strengths of the relationship: love, understanding, acceptance, and loyalty. When you take the time to work though the differences and misunderstandings, the friendship grows stronger and sweeter.

My Attitude... My Choice...

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact your attitude has on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It's more important than the past, the education, the money.. More important than circumstances, failure, success.. More than what other people think or say or do.. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It can make or break a family... a friendship... a life. But the remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I'm convinced that life is 10%  of what happens to us and 90% of how we will react to it... We are in charge of our own attitudes.

Diabetes: I'm Done!

For almost eight years you have put the biggest limitations on my shoulders and defined so many aspects of my life. I have tried to manage you, but I get so tired of it. I have no motivation anymore. I just want to be a normal teenager, and live a normal life. I'm so sick of you. I hate everything about you. I hate your pokes and jabs, and how you make me sick and irritable or make me act like a complete fool. But what I hate is when people think they know what I go through because of you. I'm sorry, but unless you live with this nuisance, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I'm nowhere near perfect when it comes to diabetes, and I never have been. But it has gotten to the point where I just don't care what happens anymore. I'm tired of being nagged, I'm tired of appointment after appointment being told that drastic improvement is needed, I'm tired of hearing about all the complications, they just piss me off and make me want to smack someone for even putting the stupid thought in my head. I know the risks, I know the complications, but it doesn't make it any better,and it doesn't make it go away. I have zero hope for a cure. Why? Because money is more valuable and precious than the quality of a human life. Companies will be out millions of dollars if any such cure was ever found. So why even think about it?
So all I'm left to do is wait. Wait until someone cares enough to end this.
But it never goes away and it never takes a break.
I dread going to the doctors, because I already know what they are going to say, and even if make the slightest improvement, it will never be enough. It's a slap in the face, and a constant reminder that I will never be good enough.
I'm tired of no one understanding. No one telling me that it will be okay, and that I can do it. Instead I have all those telling me that it's not that hard, I just need to work more. 
I wish they knew how hard it is, and that sometimes I just would rather give up completely than go another day with this stupid disease. I would give it up. If I had the chance to go back and change it. I would in a heartbeat, I wouldn't even hesitate.
You may say I'm weak, but so be it. I can't handle it anymore.
The best I can do is try, no I may not be the best diabetic, but I don't want this to have control over me.
I want to be stronger, I just don't see how I can.

My High School Experience

You know how everyone tells you, "oh yeah, High School will be the best 4 years of your life. You will never forget it!" Well, people were right about one thing. I will never forget those 4 years of High School.
High School is supposed to be about finding yourself, finding your best friends, having fun, going to parties, enjoying yourself, living life. Well, for me, High School was the opposite. Confused about who I was, finding out who my enemies were, having a hard time, staying at home wishing I were at parties, not enjoying myself, not living life.
The summer before I went into High School is when it all began. I had only kissed one boy at this point; my first boyfriend, Nick. Somehow, rumors began about me that summer. Things like, "I was pregnant", "I had an STD", 'I made out with 9 college guys in one night", "I was lesbian". etc. My first day of High School, I remember walking down the halls when a girl I hardly knew stopped me and asked when my baby was due. I was taken aback. Not sure what she was talking about. See, at this point I hadn't heard about any of these rumors going around. It was a hard 4 years, let me tell you. A lonely, somber, sorrowful, difficult, saddening, painful 4 years. This poem below was one of the first poems I wrote. With no friends, paper and pen became my best friend. I let out all of my feelings and emotions on paper.

My eyes avoiding others,
to conceal the dusky red.
Walking to the deserted bathroom stealthily,
so no one see me.

The pounding anxiety grows black and steadily.
Seeing my refuge at the end of the corner,
I quicken my pace.

Hearing my pumping heart in my ears,
and hearing the laughter in this indifferent world,
my walk turns into a run that seems eternal.
Beneath this shadowy lighthearted exterior,
I am feeble.

Caring no more about the world,
I burst into the abandoned bathroom.
A darkness creeps within me,
entangled in my heart,
craves to come out.

Tears stream out of my eyes endlessly,
constantly searching for God.
I wish for the misty tears to stop pouring,
but no one hears my desperate cries of help.
The tears burn the skin when they dry on my face,
stealing my strength from me.

Any yet, I continue to cry.
I look in to mirror;
the tear is the only shine left in me. 

My Nephew Boston

This little boy melts my heart. He is my favorite person in the entire world. His smile and his giggle is the sweetest, cutest thing ever. Whenever I having a bad day, hearing him say my name just makes it all better. His little squeal when I chase him around the house is my favorite. My older brother Spencer and sister in law Andrea are his parents. Currently, my husband and I are living with them in their basement, so I get to see this boy EVERY single day!! He is 2 1/2 years old. I love him <3

ME-

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naive.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself. I'm not perfect and nor are you. I am I, and you are you. Be okay with that. All my life I have been trying to find that solitude where I am happy.... But I have finally come to understand and realize that happiness is a mood, not a destination. I  think that if people thought of it that way, we would find happiness in ourselves a lot more often. The most beautiful people I think in this world are the one’s that have that unique courage to be themselves. No matter what anyone says, no matter how many laugh or mock them, they continue to be themselves even if they are alone. They don’t change to get anyone to like them. They smile because they’re happy and content with themselves.
This link below is to a song called 'Perfect" by Hedley. It is an amazing song and has an amazing message to it. Listen to it. Listen to the melody. And of course listen to the words. Let them speak to your heart just as they have spoken to mine. <3


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUGEzPH2dJQ

Car Accidents

Well Fella's!! I got in my first car accident yesterday. My husband and I were driving down 90th in South Jordan, he was driving and I was in the passenger seat. The car in front of us slammed on their brakes and of course we did the same to avoid hitting him. We luckily stopped in time.... But the girl behind us was following too closely and BAM! We got hit. Luckily we were driving a bigger car, a Toyota Hylander, so our car had almost no damage. Hers however... not so lucky. Her car was destroyed and totaled. (See picture below) I didn't see it coming so I didn't brace myself. I smacked my head on the front dash and then flew back and hit my head on back of the seat. Can you say MAJOR HEADACHE!!!??? Instantly my head felt pain. It happened yesterday and I still have a head ache along with lower back pain, neck pain, and shoulder pain. I am extremely out of it and loopy as well. I feel like I am sitting on the bottom of a swimming pool. I just go completely out of it at times and lose focus easily. So pretty much the point of this story.... I hate car accidents and I not longer can say I've never been involved in one.... :( SAD DAY!

Family-

Isn't your family the people that are supposed to love you and support you, no matter what happens in life or what you do with it for that matter? I feel like every single decision that I make isn't good enough for them. Unless I am acting the way they want, saying what they want, living the way they want, nothing is good enough. There comes a time where you no longer care about what they think. What I mean by that is, yes, of course I still care about their opinions, thoughts and feelings... But there comes that time where you no longer let them bring you down. I think I am finally at that point and stage in my life. I finally understand what it means to be who you are and if people can't accept that, then they don't deserve to be a part of my every day life. There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up. I have finally chosen to move forward on the path that I personally have chosen to endure, not anyone else.

Only Memories Of What Once Was You: The story of how Iost my daddy.

Just like any normal school night, I was in my kitchen watching cartoons, eating my dinner. I was sitting as close to the TV as I could with my chair pulled up to the countertop like I always did. My mom always complained and said I would end up getting bad eye sight if I continued to do that, but I didn’t care. I liked being right up next to the action.  My father had recently gone to the doctors to get his gallbladder out, but he was still having some stomach problems. So just to be safe, he went back to the doctors with my mother to get more tests done.  As I was finishing up my dinner, the front door swung open and in walked my parents. Looking at the expressions on their faces, I could tell that they had just learned something terribly wrong from the results of the tests
                “Will you go get your brothers and meet us in our bedroom?” my mother asked me kindly with a somber tone in her voice.  I carefully got out of my chair and headed down the stairs where my two brothers were playing video games.  They were sitting on the couch together laughing and yelling at one another playfully.  After I finished telling them what was going on, we climbed the stairs in fear for what we were about to be told.  None of us wanting to speak what was on our mind; we stayed silent and walked through our parent’s bedroom door.  Sitting on the new bedspread they had purchased earlier in the week, still stiff from not being washed yet, we sat in silence for what seemed like hours.  Scanning the freshly maroon painted room for something I could put my focus on instead of the teary eyes of my parents, my eyes landed on a picture hung up on the wall over their bed.  It was a picture of the Latter Day Saint prophet Thomas S. Monson and all of the apostles; they were wearing white colored suits in a beautiful holy temple.  Some were standing and some were sitting, smiling at what I could only imagine was the camera.  The room they were in was an outstandingly gorgeous baptistery, pure and white.  I was sitting there thinking about what it would be like to personally meet each of them when my father’s voice finally broke my trance and the uncomfortable silence.
                Once he had finished talking, I looked at my mother as tears stung in my eyes, “Is it true?” I asked her. “Does dad really have cancer?” As she nodded her head silently I could hardly breathe—the room began to spin and I felt like I was going to be sick.  I stood up and rushed out of the room, running through the hallway and through my bedroom door as I slammed it tightly shut as if I were trying to barricade the news from following me.  Trying to block out the sound of my parents still talking to my two brothers, my hands flew to my head where they were placed over my ears. I didn’t want to hear them talking anymore. I didn’t want it to be real. I suddenly went weak and I felt like I might faint right then and there.  My knees buckled out from underneath me as I crumbled to the floor.  I cried out in despair as I prayed to my Heavenly Father, begging him to please help my family and to help my father. I began to feel overwhelmingly angry with the world and specifically angry towards God. I got up from my knees and in an outbreak of rage and pain I began throwing things.  Everything that was in sight I grabbed and threw across the room: my school text books, a picture frame, pillows, and my lamp.  With every swift throw, the items crashed into the wall and were destroyed.  Carefully picking up the pieces of the picture frame that had shattered against the wall; I stared at the photograph that had been inside.  It was a picture of my family, sitting together in a grassy field, with great big smiles on our faces.  Looking at it I felt a piercing pain in my heart.  How did it so quickly go from a happy family with no problems to a family that was falling apart? I felt like I was dreaming. I was in a nightmare and I wanted to wake up.

In and out of the hospital weekly, having tests and chemotherapy treatments done, he was slowly withering away.  For every week that passed, he began to look more frail and fragile.  The drugs seemed to be making things worse for him, not helping.  He would come home, appointment after appointment, with an anguished look on his face and pain in his eyes.  I couldn’t take it anymore, so I began avoiding him.  I couldn’t handle looking into those dark eyes of his and seeing the pain in them, knowing that there was nothing I could do to help set him free from his affliction.  Looking back on those days, I wish I had reacted differently.  I wish I had taken more time to talk to him, had told him I loved him more often, and spent a little more time with him.  Instead, I had avoided him in the house, staying in my bedroom or even staying out late with friends just to escape looking into those troubled and sorrowful eyes. 
                It was the night before Christmas Eve, and it was my turn to look after my father.  Every day that week my family had been taking turns watching over him through the night and giving him his pain medications.  Earlier in the evening we had celebrated Christmas together.  That same morning my parents had gone to the doctors and were told that it would be wise to celebrate early.  “Just in case,” had been the nurses’ words.

 I looked over and saw him wincing with pain.  He was trying not to make any sound, for fear he’d wake me.   Little did he know, I’d been awake all night watching him; trying to memorize every feature on that face of his.  He had dark olive skin, chocolate brown eyes, thick dark eyebrows, and a smile that could melt anyone with just one look.  I didn’t want to forget anything.  I couldn’t let myself fall asleep or even close my eyes; for fear that he’d leave me.
                I sat up as I asked him, “Do you need more morphine, dad?” He nodded his head yes.  Carefully climbing off of the couch, trying not to disturb him, I grabbed the medicine off of the coffee table in front of us.  With shaky hands I placed the drops in his mouth.

                My eyes heavy with tears, I sat there and watched him.  He’s in so much pain.  Why him?  Why would God choose him?  This wasn’t okay with me.  My dad was my best friend—I told him everything.  Without him, who was I going to go to when I was upset or was having problems with friends or at school?
                Suddenly, there was a noise coming from my father.  I looked over to see him fiddling with his fingers, almost as if he were pressing buttons on a small device. His eyes suddenly flew open and he looked straight at me, “Sorry!”  He exclaimed once he saw the scared expression on my face.  “I thought I was texting Colbie.”  (Colbie is my sister. She was living away from home but had come to visit after hearing the inevitable of his death.)
                Oh no, I thought, it’s too soon.  They told us he had another month.  How can he already be acting this way?  “It’s okay dad. Don’t worry about me.  Can I get you anything else?”
                “I’m okay sweetheart, but thank you,” he replied.  Through the night I lay there trying to cover up the hurt and struggle I felt with this situation of his impending death.  It was so hard to just sit there are watch him literally wasting away.   I wanted my father to think that I wasn’t scared.  I wanted to be strong for him; I needed to be strong for him.

 “Dad,” I said quietly. “Are you scared?”  He looked deep into my eyes as they began to fill with tears yet again.
                “Yes sweetheart. I’m scared.  But not for the reasons you would think.”  I looked at him questioningly as he continued, “I’m scared for you, and for you mother, and for everyone else.  I get to go to a better place where there is no sadness, while you guys have to stay here on this earth and go through more trials and tribulations.  I’m not scared to die. I’m ready.” He began to smile, “bring it on.” he said jokingly.
                With tears streaming down my face, I sat up and looked at him.  I grew profoundly angry with him as he spoke those words to me.  How could he say that? How could he just give up on life?  “Don’t you dare say that, dad. Don’t you dare! How can you say that to me? How can you just give up? I don’t want to live without you; I can’t live without you.  What am I supposed to do when I graduate? I want you to be there sitting in the crowd with mom, cheering for me as I get my diploma.  I want you there in the temple with me when I get married to the love of my life.  I want to have my daddy-daughter dance at my wedding like every other girl out there.  What about when I have kids?  They will grow up not knowing their own grandfather.  Please, please don’t give up on me.  Don’t give up on us,” I cried out. I lay there sobbing uncontrollably as he rubbed my back trying to comfort me. The roles had switched. Instead of me taking care of him that night, he was taking care of me.
                “Ali?” he whispered, eyes glistening. “When you graduate, just have your mother save me a seat and I promise I will be there watching you, cheering you on.  When you get married to your sweetheart, I will be there in the Celestial Room with a smile on my face, as proud as ever.  When you have children of your own, I will be there to look after them.  I will be their guardian angel. Ali, I will always be with you.” 

Hours later, the time had finally come.  Sitting together as a family, watching him in his last moments of life, it seemed so surreal.  Every few minutes his eyes would wander around the room, as if he were searching for something.  I tried to focus on what was happening so suddenly.  I was curled up on the chair next to the couch watching.  I was numb, stunned, and unsure of how I was supposed to react.  These things only happen in movies.  I don’t know what I am supposed to do or how I am supposed to feel?  My older sister and my two brothers were in front of the couch, crouched down by my father.  He looked like he was in such pain and agony as he began to struggle for air.  Swiftly, but reverently, my brother, Sam, took my father’s hand in his and choking back tears he whispered, “Dad, it’s okay. Just go.”  My father then took one last look around the room, and took his final breath.  The sound he made before that last breath will be with me for the rest of my life.  To this day, I can still hear it; exactly as it sounded. 

                To this day I still miss him and I always will.  It will never be the same in my household without him, but now I have another angel on my team, watching me, looking out for me, carrying me, every single step of the way.

                

Making your OWN Decisions

"You can seek advice of others, surround yourself with trusted advisers. But in the end, the decision is always yours and yours alone. And when it's time to act and you're all alone with your back against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you already knew. The one that's almost always right."

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Making your own decisions.... It's not easy. I'm sure that everyone out there agrees when I say that life would be so much more simple if you could go to your mom or your dad and have them decide what you should do or tell you who you are. It would be much more simple if the statement, "your parents know best" was in fact true. But it doesn't work out that way. As much as you pray and you wish it were, it's not. So instead, we all must walk this journey alone for awhile and figure out who we independently are. We need to figure out how to do this without the influence of others or everyone's own opinions clouding our thoughts and mind. In the end, all that should matter is yourself; how you feel, what you think, what you want, who you are or who you want to become. I understand that it is impossible to avoid influence all-together. It's everywhere around us. On TV, in the books we read, the music that we listen to, the people we associate with at work or in our own spare time, even our closest family and friend. Everything influences in some way or another. What matters is how we use those opinions and influences, and what we do with them. Are we going to listen to what they say and become who THEY want us to mold into or become? Or are we going to push what everyone else thinks to the back of our minds, the back of our hearts, and are we going to become who we OURSELVES want to become and who we OURSELVES want to be? That's where I am right now. Trying to make sense of this beautiful mess of a world.

A Little Get To Know Me Game-

My Favorite things:

Book:
The Secret Journal of Brett Colton

Movie:
Braveheart

Color:
Lime Green and Teal

Animal:
Bear and Elephant


Drink:
Diet Coke

Candy:
Star-burst and Skittles

Music:
Country, Country, Country

Quote:
"Knock on the sky and listen to the sound"
"Your future lies before you like a field of fallen snow. Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show"

I Never Want To Get Old...

Yesterday as I was driving home from work, I saw an old man in his late 80's walking in the middle, turning lane with a grocery cart; wide eyed and looking terrified. Not sure what he was doing or what was going on, I pulled into the turning lane and got out to see if he was okay. I asked him his name and what he was doing.. No response. He knew what I was saying but couldn't speak. He just continued to stare at me with his terrified, wide eyes. I asked him to get his wallet out so that I could see where he lived and what his name was. With shaky hand he reached into his pocket and took it out, hesitantly handing it to me. I found out where he lived and helped him into my car, all the while he is still shaking uncontrollably and freaked out from all of the cars speeding by around him.  I packed up his cart into my car and drove to the address that was on his license, praying that's where he was currently living. We got to his home and I walked him up his front steps and knocked on the front door. The door swung open and this little old women burst into tears when she saw him. She looked at me and said, "I've been looking for him for hours". Poor old man. Poor old women..... I never want to get old. EVER. So sad.

15 Things About Me

1. My full name is Alison Kate Nisson (Leatham)

2. I have had type one diabetes since July 8th 2006.

3.I am a triplet. 2 boys and me.

4. I am the biggest daddy's girl you will ever meet.

5. I play the guitar and sing.

6. I write my own lyrics and music to songs.

7. I love the outdoors; camping, hiking, biking, rock climbing, river rafting.

8. I consider myself a pretty big nerd; I read in my spare time and write poems.

9. I work at CLEARLINK as a QA Compliance, and I LOVE it.

10. My birthday is November 12, 1993.

11. I love photography. The way that people can capture particular moments intrigues me.
 
12. I am obsessed with the TV series One Tree Hill.

13. I have a major girl crush on Sophia Bush.

14. I have recently become overly obsessed with shoes. Mainly heels.

15. I love country music.