Today is this lovely girls birthday!!! YAYYYYY!!! Happy Birthday girly. I love you so so very much. This girl and I have been through more than most friends. Thick and Thin. Tough and Easy. Fun and Hardships. We met when we were younger and have been friends ever since. This girl means the world to me. I remember she wasn't living close by when I was diagnosed with diabetes. When she found out, she sent me a letter and expressed her worry and love towards the situation. She was the only friend who had done that when finding out about about my new disease. It meant more to me than she will ever know. One experience I will never forget.. I was at a ward camp out and Soleil came to it. I hadn't seen her in what seemed like forever.. maybe a year? Not sure exactly. But I didn't know that she was coming. It was the best surprise I could EVER ask for. She yelled my name from across the camp and when I turned and saw her.... we ran for our lives to each other. I'm not exaggerating when I say that we screamed for about 5 minutes straight. My best friend was finally back in my life and I couldn't have been more happy! That week we had a blast. We made up a fantastically ridiculous dance to the song "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" from the movie Mulan. We performed it for our parents and other friends. Best times during that week were when we would float the river. Pretty sure that we almost died a couple of times from the rapids.... even though the rapids were tiny little waves. (come on, what do you expect from 12 year old girls?) This girl and I honestly had the best moment. The memories I have of my childhood always have her involved in some way. She was always there for me. Even during High School when we were in different groups and hung out with different friends, I ALWAYS knew she was there for me and I was ALWAYS there for her. I knew that even if we hadn't talked in months, if I needed her, she was there in a split second and that she was there to help out if needed. She was my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my therapist, my best friend, and my sister. The memories we shared... I could reminisce on them forever. Ward camp-outs, girls camp, diabetes camp, sleepovers, McDonalds run at 3am cause we couldn't sleep, random dance parties, movie nights, Moulin Rouge sing a longs, the memories are endless. I love you Africa Soleil Cook. With all of my heart. I hope that today you Birthday brings you more happiness than you hope for, You deserve the world.

Even the very best friend isn't perfect. Every friendship has it's share of ups and downs, disappointments and discouragements. But the true test of friendship is whether it endures the hard times as well as the happy times. When you are truly best friends - when you have a friendship worth preserving - you learn how to voice your feelings with each other. You discuss how and when you've been hurt. You even cry together. Then you forgive, seal your friendship with a hug, and continue on good terms with each other. That's how best friends are maintained over the years. Each little offense is dealt with and forgiven (and forgotten). The focus remains on the strengths of the relationship: love, understanding, acceptance, and loyalty. When you take the time to work though the differences and misunderstandings, the friendship grows stronger and sweeter.

My Attitude... My Choice...

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact your attitude has on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It's more important than the past, the education, the money.. More important than circumstances, failure, success.. More than what other people think or say or do.. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It can make or break a family... a friendship... a life. But the remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I'm convinced that life is 10%  of what happens to us and 90% of how we will react to it... We are in charge of our own attitudes.

Diabetes: I'm Done!

For almost eight years you have put the biggest limitations on my shoulders and defined so many aspects of my life. I have tried to manage you, but I get so tired of it. I have no motivation anymore. I just want to be a normal teenager, and live a normal life. I'm so sick of you. I hate everything about you. I hate your pokes and jabs, and how you make me sick and irritable or make me act like a complete fool. But what I hate is when people think they know what I go through because of you. I'm sorry, but unless you live with this nuisance, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I'm nowhere near perfect when it comes to diabetes, and I never have been. But it has gotten to the point where I just don't care what happens anymore. I'm tired of being nagged, I'm tired of appointment after appointment being told that drastic improvement is needed, I'm tired of hearing about all the complications, they just piss me off and make me want to smack someone for even putting the stupid thought in my head. I know the risks, I know the complications, but it doesn't make it any better,and it doesn't make it go away. I have zero hope for a cure. Why? Because money is more valuable and precious than the quality of a human life. Companies will be out millions of dollars if any such cure was ever found. So why even think about it?
So all I'm left to do is wait. Wait until someone cares enough to end this.
But it never goes away and it never takes a break.
I dread going to the doctors, because I already know what they are going to say, and even if make the slightest improvement, it will never be enough. It's a slap in the face, and a constant reminder that I will never be good enough.
I'm tired of no one understanding. No one telling me that it will be okay, and that I can do it. Instead I have all those telling me that it's not that hard, I just need to work more. 
I wish they knew how hard it is, and that sometimes I just would rather give up completely than go another day with this stupid disease. I would give it up. If I had the chance to go back and change it. I would in a heartbeat, I wouldn't even hesitate.
You may say I'm weak, but so be it. I can't handle it anymore.
The best I can do is try, no I may not be the best diabetic, but I don't want this to have control over me.
I want to be stronger, I just don't see how I can.

My High School Experience

You know how everyone tells you, "oh yeah, High School will be the best 4 years of your life. You will never forget it!" Well, people were right about one thing. I will never forget those 4 years of High School.
High School is supposed to be about finding yourself, finding your best friends, having fun, going to parties, enjoying yourself, living life. Well, for me, High School was the opposite. Confused about who I was, finding out who my enemies were, having a hard time, staying at home wishing I were at parties, not enjoying myself, not living life.
The summer before I went into High School is when it all began. I had only kissed one boy at this point; my first boyfriend, Nick. Somehow, rumors began about me that summer. Things like, "I was pregnant", "I had an STD", 'I made out with 9 college guys in one night", "I was lesbian". etc. My first day of High School, I remember walking down the halls when a girl I hardly knew stopped me and asked when my baby was due. I was taken aback. Not sure what she was talking about. See, at this point I hadn't heard about any of these rumors going around. It was a hard 4 years, let me tell you. A lonely, somber, sorrowful, difficult, saddening, painful 4 years. This poem below was one of the first poems I wrote. With no friends, paper and pen became my best friend. I let out all of my feelings and emotions on paper.

My eyes avoiding others,
to conceal the dusky red.
Walking to the deserted bathroom stealthily,
so no one see me.

The pounding anxiety grows black and steadily.
Seeing my refuge at the end of the corner,
I quicken my pace.

Hearing my pumping heart in my ears,
and hearing the laughter in this indifferent world,
my walk turns into a run that seems eternal.
Beneath this shadowy lighthearted exterior,
I am feeble.

Caring no more about the world,
I burst into the abandoned bathroom.
A darkness creeps within me,
entangled in my heart,
craves to come out.

Tears stream out of my eyes endlessly,
constantly searching for God.
I wish for the misty tears to stop pouring,
but no one hears my desperate cries of help.
The tears burn the skin when they dry on my face,
stealing my strength from me.

Any yet, I continue to cry.
I look in to mirror;
the tear is the only shine left in me. 

My Nephew Boston

This little boy melts my heart. He is my favorite person in the entire world. His smile and his giggle is the sweetest, cutest thing ever. Whenever I having a bad day, hearing him say my name just makes it all better. His little squeal when I chase him around the house is my favorite. My older brother Spencer and sister in law Andrea are his parents. Currently, my husband and I are living with them in their basement, so I get to see this boy EVERY single day!! He is 2 1/2 years old. I love him <3

ME-

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was.  I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory.  I was naive.  I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer.  It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with:  that I am nobody but myself. I'm not perfect and nor are you. I am I, and you are you. Be okay with that. All my life I have been trying to find that solitude where I am happy.... But I have finally come to understand and realize that happiness is a mood, not a destination. I  think that if people thought of it that way, we would find happiness in ourselves a lot more often. The most beautiful people I think in this world are the one’s that have that unique courage to be themselves. No matter what anyone says, no matter how many laugh or mock them, they continue to be themselves even if they are alone. They don’t change to get anyone to like them. They smile because they’re happy and content with themselves.
This link below is to a song called 'Perfect" by Hedley. It is an amazing song and has an amazing message to it. Listen to it. Listen to the melody. And of course listen to the words. Let them speak to your heart just as they have spoken to mine. <3


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUGEzPH2dJQ

Car Accidents

Well Fella's!! I got in my first car accident yesterday. My husband and I were driving down 90th in South Jordan, he was driving and I was in the passenger seat. The car in front of us slammed on their brakes and of course we did the same to avoid hitting him. We luckily stopped in time.... But the girl behind us was following too closely and BAM! We got hit. Luckily we were driving a bigger car, a Toyota Hylander, so our car had almost no damage. Hers however... not so lucky. Her car was destroyed and totaled. (See picture below) I didn't see it coming so I didn't brace myself. I smacked my head on the front dash and then flew back and hit my head on back of the seat. Can you say MAJOR HEADACHE!!!??? Instantly my head felt pain. It happened yesterday and I still have a head ache along with lower back pain, neck pain, and shoulder pain. I am extremely out of it and loopy as well. I feel like I am sitting on the bottom of a swimming pool. I just go completely out of it at times and lose focus easily. So pretty much the point of this story.... I hate car accidents and I not longer can say I've never been involved in one.... :( SAD DAY!